**WARNING: SOME RAMBLING THOUGHTS AHEAD***
As most children are, I was rather good at letting my parents know when I was unhappy. I was not a “whiny” kid in the traditional sense, though. With the benefit of hindsight, now I realize that one of my strategies was to look sad, to walk around the house looking all mopey and gloomy: a total Eeyore. This usually happened whenever I wanted things to go my way, or whenever I wanted something.
My doting parents were usually very good at getting the message, and I have to say that I not always got what I wanted but I always got what I needed, even though I did not realize it at the time. My childhood was great, but I think I got stuck on my mopey ways.
To this day, I am blessed and cursed with the inability to hide my feelings. For example, I would never be a very good poker player and it is very hard for me to pretend. I can also be very diplomatic and there have been times when I have acted like a very good mediator (albeit only when **both** parts acted in good faith and without malice), but I could never be a diplomat because I tend to say what I think.
However, life has taught me that sometimes it is better to bite my tongue rather than saying —or e-mailing— the first thing that pops into my mind. I am grateful for that lesson.
Even though I am not an “active whiner”, as I said above, this does not mean that I don’t feel the need of doing it from time to time. I just don’t want to be explicit about it, heck I don’t even like been taken care of! When I’m sick, I am the grumpy-leave-me-alone type. And oh boy, the one time that I had to spend some time in the hospital, in addition of being scared, I HATED people taking care of me!
I know; you just cannot win with me…
But I feel like whining tonight, and I think I am whining to God.
Please do not stop reading here. I will not talk about religion. Like many people, sometimes I do not know what to believe or if I believe anything at all. However, I desperately, passionately, wish that there is something more “out there”. I posted some of my opinions about religion / belief here and here, and one reason why I hope, here.
Oh, and here!
Sometime ago a good friend of mine called me a “Hopeful Agnostic”; I like it.
Back to the point, I am whining to God tonight, in fact, I’ve been at it most of this afternoon.
Another good friend of mine told me once that “whining to God” is essentially praying. I tend to agree with that interpretation. I have come to realize that most times when I am anxious or depressed over:
**The uncertainties of life (I hate not being in control); yeah, I’m that kind of stupid…
**Wanting to be there for my kids forever (please see the point right above, especially the stupid part)…
**Having a child with autism (Not because of me, but because I worry about him); by the way, you wanna see my most viewed —and most polarizing— post of mine?
**Worries about staying healthy to be able to provide for my family…
**Angry at being treated unfairly, and again, “biting my tongue” for the time being…
I am essentially questioning God about it. It feels like when I was a child myself and got sad, expecting my parents to “grant” my wishes.
Do you remember the movie adaptation of Fiddler On the Roof? Tevye, the main character, talks to God all the time, and in more than one instance he looks up to the sky wearing a “Dude, what gives?” expression on his face.
Well, that’s me sometimes…
I am fully aware that there are people right now around the world with truly immediate, dangerous, and tragic problems. And I try, I truly try to feel grateful as much as I can, and many times I am even able to and I feel terrible when I am unable to, but whan can I say? the mind is a funny thing.
So, am I praying when I get like that? Am I praying when I whine to God? Does it make a difference?
I just looked up; yep, I totally did.
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