I originally posted this on 2015, and somehow got erased from the system. Thankfully, I recovered an earlier draft and (I hope) improved upon it; it’s been edited and expanded. Would you take a look and tell me what you think, especially what can I do better?
As most children are, I was rather good at letting my parents know when I was unhappy. I was not a “whiny” kid in the traditional sense, though. With the benefit of hindsight, now I realize that one of my strategies to get what I wanted was to look sad, to walk around the house looking all mopey and gloomy; a total Eeyore.
My doting parents were very good at getting the message, and I have to say that I did not always get what I wanted, but I always got what I needed, even though I did not realize it at the time. My childhood was great, but I think I got stuck on my mopey ways.
To compound things, to this day, I am blessed and cursed with the inability to hide my feelings. For example, I would never good at poker, and it is very hard for me to pretend. I can also be very diplomatic and there have been times when I have acted like a very good mediator (albeit only when **both** parts acted in good faith and without malice), but I could never be a diplomat because I tend to say what I think.
However, life has taught me that sometimes it is better to bite my tongue rather than saying—or e-mailing—the first thing that pops into my mind. I am grateful for that lesson.
Moving on… The fact is that if I am happy, it shows; I cannot hide it. The same occurs with when sad, angry, annoyed, anxious, depressed, etc.
Even though I am not an “active whiner”, as I said above, this does not mean that I don’t feel the need of doing it from time to time. I just don’t want to be explicit about it, heck I don’t even like been taken care of! For example, when I’m sick, I am the grumpy-leave-me-alone type. And, oh boy, the one time that I had to spend some time in the hospital, in addition of being scared, I HATED people taking care of me!
I know; you just cannot win with me…
But I feel like whining tonight, and I think I am whining to God.
Please do not stop reading. I will not talk about religion. Like many people, sometimes I do not know what to believe or if I believe anything at all.
Oh, and here!
Sometime ago a good friend of mine called me a “Hopeful Agnostic”; I like it. But I digress.
Back to the point, I am whining to God tonight, in fact, I’ve been at it most of this afternoon and evening, which brings me to the following thought: Another good friend of mine told me once that “whining to God” is essentially praying (have I been praying all day?). I tend to agree with that interpretation, because I have come to realize that most times when I am anxious or depressed over:
**The uncertainties of life. You see, I hate not being in control (yes, I’m that kind of stupid…).
**Wanting to be there for my kids forever (please see the point right above, especially the stupid part)…
**Having a child (now a young man) with autism (Not because I worry about me, but because I worry about him); by the way, you wanna see my most viewed —and most polarizing— post of mine?
**Worries about staying healthy on order to be able to provide for my family…
**Angry at being treated unfairly (and again, I need to “bite my tongue” for the time being…).
**My depression and anxiety…
In all those cases and more, what I am doing is to question God about it, and mind you, not in a particularly respectful way, I must admit. It feels a lot like when I was a child myself and got sad and mopey, filly expecting my parents to “grant” my wishes.
You know what? When I think of it, sometimes I feel like Tevye. Do you remember the wonderful movie adaptation of Fiddler On the Roof? Tevye, the main character, literally talks to God all the time, and in more than one scene he looks up to the sky wearing a “Dude, what gives?” or “Really?” expression on his face.
Yep, that’s my face sometimes…
I am fully aware that there are people right now around the world with truly immediate, dangerous, and tragic problems. And I try, I truly try to feel grateful as much as I can, and many times I am even able to, while in the other hand I feel terrible when I am unable to feel grateful, but what can I say? the mind is a funny thing, and after all, I am only human, right?
Is this how I express my depression and anxiety? This idea might be worth looking at, but I digress again.
So, to wrap things up, my main questions are:
***Am I praying when I whine to God?
***Does it make a difference?
***Is anybody listening?
I just looked up; yep, I totally did.
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